


Past Imperfect

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: And it is not between Kylo and Hux, Historical rape, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, not explicit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:15:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Hux doesn't want a relationship. Except he sort of does. Except he sort of can't, because he's not had the best track record.A little kindness shown to Kylo is returned a hundredfold.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: Historical sexual abuse/non-con (not romanticised); sexual distress, supportive boyfriend, some discussion of previous events, don’t read if you’re feeling vulnerable, go in fore-warned. I hope I handle it sensitively and if you’re upset you can always come for a hug and let me know what I didn’t do right. Okay? (Hugs)

General Hux is a busy man. The Order needs his keen eyes and steady hands. She needs someone like him, someone capable of giving her their full attention, every waking moment.

Even non-waking moments. He dreams of solutions, and wakes to implement them. He eats, drinks, breathes, sleeps Order. His life and his desires align.

He is complete.

Or.

He thought he was, until the whirlwind raggedy man of tattered clothes and even more tattered lightsaber walked into his life.

And oh - did he hate him. He hated him because he was everything Hux _wasn’t_. And Hux liked (or… sort of liked) himself. At least, the things he could control. 

Kylo was emotional. Impulsive. He’d gotten where he had on the coat-tails of genetic donors, not _in spite of_ them. He was a **traitor** (and joining the Right Side did not detract from that), and he just… drove Hux out of his mind.

Repeatedly. Noisily. Frustratingly. Violently.

All the way up until he’d almost lost the ridiculous beast when the Starkiller went down. When he’d seen him bloodied and bruised and broken on the snow. 

He’d meant to hate him. He had. He’d meant to look down at the state of him and tell him it was all his own fault. All of it. He’d lost the weapon for them, and…

…he’d been greeted with a man who looked much smaller than he should. Cold, pale, and with barely any spark left in him. No drive to win, no drive to even _be_.

He’d found Kylo a broken man, and known - somehow - that the training the Leader intended would break him down more.

An arm under him, and he’d told the lump to move his legs. Whispered in his ear that it wasn’t over. That they’d make them pay. They’d wipe them out. Felt the chill of something beyond cold when a head dropped onto his shoulder.

Nursed him back to health. Taken him under his wing like a wounded beast, and fed him full of warm foods and medicines and Bacta and bandages. 

Hux had not understood this need to build up, when before he’d wanted to break him down. Maybe no one but himself was allowed to hurt Kylo. Maybe. He’d coddled him and forced him to walk again, encouraged him out of the bed and then yelled him back into it when he nearly burst things open.

Always all or nothing.

Always extremes.

At the end of it - when he opened the door and told him he could go - Kylo had asked, softly, if it would be okay if he didn’t? Or… if he came back, sometimes?

Which is why they dine together, now. Not every night, but enough. They sit and eat and Hux isn’t quite sure how he’s somehow managed to domesticate a Knight of Ren. Are they really that starved for affection that the slightest kindness has them returning to your door like a starved alley-beast? 

But he doesn’t need him. Even if he… enjoys his company. He doesn’t _need_ him. Even if… he likes having someone to talk to. He absolutely doesn’t think life is better now Kylo Ren considers him - what? An adopted Knight? A surrogate Master? (A friend?) He doesn’t think the reduced hostility on deck and the increased productivity is anything other than… useful and…

(He’s so far in denial that the part of him that’s aware is constantly mocking him for his pathetic crush.)

Dinner, talking, and Kylo’s doing that thing people do. 

Hux remembers.

He did it once, too. Long ago. Years ago. Over dinner. An older officer, dinner, and Hux had been so very, very flattered. Been so proud that he was ‘mature’ enough. Been happy that someone superior would want to socialise with him. Fidget with the place setting. Hand on bouncing knee. Awkward smiles.

He recognises the behaviour in Kylo, and he needs to put the boy down gently. Kylo’s barely even any good at _talking_ to people, let alone - more. 

Kylo is crushing on him, and it’s not healthy. Even if it’s nice to feel his eyes light up when Hux enters the room. Even if he enjoys the private smiles he gets, or the secrets they whisper. 

He’s married to the Order, and that’s that.

He’s about to tell him: “Ren, I think I need to–”

Maybe the boy knows it’s about to be over, because he grabs Hux by the front of the shirt, forestalling anything else, and smashes his lips into Hux’s own.

Fiercely. Forcefully. Without asking.

Hux _freezes_ , his mind gone completely sideways and backwards. The feel of a hand pulling him around like he’s nothing, the sensation of intimacy he hasn’t sanctioned, the–

Hux pushes him away, falls out of the chair, and yelps in horror when his ass meets the floor.

“Hux, I’m sorry!”  


“GET OUT.”  


“Hux…”  


Kylo’s hand comes out to grab him, and Hux hisses like he’s been burned. There’s thundering in his whole sternum, blood in his mouth, fear in his nerves. 

Hux bolts for the ‘fresher, and locks himself inside.

***

Clothes off. He rips at them, remembering… remembering… his fingers claw at buttons and he doesn’t even care if he’s damaging his uniform. He needs to get in the water, he needs to scald the top layer off his skin.

He manages to wait until he’s naked, and he turns it up as high as it can go, and holds onto the tiled wall and - it - he…

Breathe. Stop. Hold it in. Don’t pant it quickly. He repeats mantras that make sense in his mind before they do in his body. Mechanisms long learned, brought out by repetition and effort. Breathe. Stop. Hold. 

The water makes his skin red where it curls, and he’s going to look like some alien creature by the end of it, if he doesn’t move. 

Breathe. Stop. Hold.

Over and over, until the mind can control the body again. Until his thoughts are trammelled down into worn-clear paths. No judgement, at first, just a mechanism to keep his racing thoughts here. 

Focus on the now. Focus on the way one hand is higher than the other, his shoulders tilted. Focus on the wriggling of his toes. Listen to the ship, know when you are. Where you are. Who you are. 

Slowly, the past fades. Or - the echoes quieten enough to just be flickers around the edges of perception. 

He’d been back there.

He should have told Kylo sooner. Should have told him outright _this is flattering, but it’s cordial only. This is business. Perhaps companionship. Nothing more_.

But he hadn’t, and he’d let Kylo crush on him, and this is _all_ his fault.

He can’t deal with the man now, but maybe he won’t have to. He was pretty clear on the ‘fuck off and leave’ front, and he’s sure Kylo will feel his pride too pricked to come back. 

Eventually, he steps out. Towels dry, ritual-patterns rigid in his hands, and pulls on one of his few indulgences: a soft bath robe to feel good against his skin.

He isn’t expecting the man sitting by the table, waiting.

“I… told you to leave,” he stammers.  


“I wanted to apologise.”  


For just trying to kiss. Which - in the grand scheme of things - wasn’t really that bad, was it? “It’s… it’s okay. I just… I should have told you sooner.”

“Do you want me to not come back?” Kylo asks.  


“…why would you want to come back?”  


The Knight looks abashed. “I still like spending time with you.”

“…can we… give it a few days?”  


Kylo nods. 

“Would it be okay if I… invited you?”  


Kylo nods again. He stands, awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or make you uncomfortable. I misread the signals, and I won’t make the same mistake again. Please…”

“Apology accepted,” he says, numbly, and watches him go.  


***

Kylo remains civil, if cold. He’s no longer argumentative, but he’s also barely more than curt. Hux misses the rapport they’d built up, and he wonders if he should even try to salvage this at all.

He’d… he’d been lulled into a false sense of security. He’d been distracted, and… it… he should just… stop now. Cut losses. End things. Leave it all behind.

He doesn’t need Kylo.

***

Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Normally he’ll sleep after going through his short debrief list, too tired not to. He works long hours so his body overcomes his mind, but today his mind won’t surrender.

He can be friends without kissing. Can’t he? They didn’t-kiss all the days before they did-kiss. Or is Kylo only interested if kissing is on the table? Does he even know? 

Hux does not think he wants kisses. Once, he’d thought he had. But now he knows kisses are a precursor to other things, and those things are unpleasant. Or - for him. And so…

Over and over. Punching the pillow. Unable to sleep.

Over and over.

It’s five hours before he needs to get up, and he just can’t do it. He taps a message out - frustration more than anything - asking if they can talk.

He doesn’t expect Kylo to turn up at his door, minutes later.

“Why are you up?”  


“Why are you?” Kylo counters.  


Fair. 

He waves him in, and feels self-conscious in his stupid, regulation pyjamas. 

They sit on the couch, and Hux pulls his feet under his butt.

“I led you on,” Hux says. “I… should have made it clear I wasn’t… looking for that.” He won’t say what ‘that’ is.  


“It’s… my fault. I didn’t ask, because… I was afraid you’d say no.”  


Hux laughs, once, and it isn’t nice. “Yes. Well.”

“I tried to see if you were thinking about it instead.”  


Hux stops breathing.

“I… I didn’t go deep, I just… when I thought you were thinking about kisses, I checked, and I checked a few times, and you thought about it quite a lot, but you weren’t ever sure. So I thought if I tried… you’d know.”  


“You… went into my mind.”  


Kylo cringes. “Yes.”

“Don’t do that again.”  


A very, very fast shake of his head. “I’m sorry. I thought you… wanted it, but were afraid. I was, too.”

“Kylo… okay, I can tell this has upset you. But it’s really not… you. It’s… I’m not exactly…” Oh, hell. How did you broach this? “I haven’t had the best of experiences.” And then some. “So I avoid it entirely.”  


“Ah.”  


‘Ah’. Just what any man wants to hear. “So, that’s all settled, and we can–”  


“Hux… you do… know we don’t even have to… do that?”  


Hux frowns. “Why not?”

“…I’m not exactly Mr Sex Appeal here. It’s not like I’m banging on each door on this deck, fucking everyone I see. I don’t… necessarily… need?”  


But people who are - you know - _dating_ \- do. “So you want to just be…?”

“Why not?”  


Why not indeed.

Other than the fact Hux does think about kissing him an awful lot, and then wants to throw up. But not because of Kylo.

“You’d resent me.”  


“Hux… I _have not_ had any relationship. Period. Ever. If you want to just watch holos and eat together, I’ll still be in the deepest relationship I _ever had_. I’m not about to suddenly demand we have sex. If you decide you want to, and I want to, then fine. But it’s not… do or die.”  


“And if you _do_ resent me?” Hux asks.  


“I _am_ an adult, although you forget that. I can tell you, and we can end it, and realise it won’t work.”  


“But you won’t–”  


“I won’t ever force you. Not even for kisses.”  


Hux nods. “I need time to think about this.”

“Take as long as you need.”  


***

‘Dating’ is pretty much the same, except with more nerves. Kylo acts even _nicer_ around him, and Hux wants to smack him in his face for being so understanding.   


It’s not right. He should be pushy and pissed off with him. He should be wheedling and conniving and plucking at corners and bargaining. He shouldn’t be _pleasant_ and _polite_ and _nice company_ and _understanding_.

Hux starts to hate him, because he **knows** he’s being insecure and irrational. Kylo had nothing to do with what went before, and here he is, so - what? Unbothered by his own drives? Or…? 

No attempt to get a rise from him seems to work, and Hux realises they’ve _traded places_. He’s the emotional, argumentative one, now. Kylo just looks at him with _pity_ and Hux doesn’t want _pity_ because it implies he’s **broken** and he’s… not he’s…

“Would you just bloody well kiss me and get it over with?” he demands, one night, when the dishes are all put back away.  


“Hux, I told you–”  


“I asked you to,” Hux says, angry and hurt. “Don’t you want to?”  


“Not if you don’t _want_ it.”  


“I want to be fucking over this already. So just kiss me and I’ll try not to shoot you or throw up in your mouth.”  


Romance, it is not. But he’s wound, and he’s not thinking straight, and maybe he should ask more nicely, but…

“… _please_ ,” he adds, with worry in his eyes.  


(Is he being the same as _he_ was, all those years ago? Is he going to make Kylo hate him? Will Kylo remember angry kisses and never want another hand to touch him ever again?)

Kylo comes in closer, warily, approaching a primed weapon. 

“I haven’t done this before,” he whispers. “I’m sorry if I’m not any good.”  


Unlike _that_ time, when Hux had to submit… or the time before… he can’t be the transgressor, because he’s standing very still while his face is touched. Kylo seems to either know what he’s doing naturally, or have done a lot of research, because he dances fingertips over his skin and eases in gradually for the kiss.

Kisses used to be sweet. It was what came aft–

Breathe. Stop. Hold. 

Focus on the moment. The sweet smell of cheesecake on Kylo’s lips. The sugar crystals he can taste between them. The fingers in his hair, the way Kylo doesn’t push hard, and pulls back.

Hux pauses to think. Breathe. Stop. Hold.

He grabs Kylo’s shirt, and smashes their mouths for the second kiss. This one is angrier, and he licks his tongue over the slit before he pulls back to stare up at him.

“Enough.”  


“Enough,” Kylo agrees.  


***

They don’t kiss every night, but Hux feels less like screaming, stabbing, shooting, or evacuating his stomach contents the more they do it. Sometimes it’s even entirely nice.

It’s not like he doesn’t _have_ a libido. He does. It’s just that it’s not always _loud._ Recently, however, it’s definitely been making itself known, much to his disgust. 

Which is why - in the middle of one heavy making out session - he slings a leg over Kylo’s lap and straddles him. Which would be fine, except his hands also go straight for Kylo’s belt, and Kylo grabs his wrists.

“You don’t have to.”  


“I want to.” No, he wants to want to. It’s subtle, but different.   


“You don’t need to do it to keep me, Hux.”  


“I want to do it because you want it,” Hux replies, grabbing at the bulge he’s known was there all along.  


“Will you tell me if you need to stop?”  


Where were you when I was a teenager? “Yes,” he lies. Or maybe he will. If he can talk. 

“I mean it…”  


“Yes,” he says, with more conviction. “I’ll tell you.” Seriously. Kylo shows preternatural abilities when it comes to relationships, even if he’s still got a hair-trigger temper at other times.  


“…do you want me to touch you?”  


“Absolutely not.”  


Kylo grabs his wrists. “Then I don’t want it.”

“You’re not fucking bullying me into letting you touch me,” Hux snarls.  


“And neither are you going to bully me,” Kylo replies. “I only want to do this if you’re interested for your sake, too. Otherwise I can jerk off in the shower.”  


“You don’t need me to get off, to get off…”  


“Maybe not, but I want it. Hux… I know you’ve got things to work through, but… so do I. And I’d rather we were equal. _That’s_ my preference.”  


“Why are you so fucking understanding?” he wails.  


“You just mean a lot to me, okay? More than dumb orgasms.”  


Hux thunks his head into his chest. “What if we don’t do orgasms right off?”

“…and just touch?”  


A tiny nod. “I might not… you know.”

“If you push my hands away when it’s too much?”  


Hux nods again.

“We can try,” Kylo agrees.  


***

With the worry that non-performance will be a problem lessened, Hux finds he can tolerate - and even enjoy - Kylo’s hands. They stroke over non-erogenous places the first few times, lots of kisses and cuddles and they even share a bed for the first time.

Fully clothed. Mostly just fingers touching.

Weirdly, it’s almost more intimate than being fucked. He’d never slept over… anyway. He finds he really likes that, and Kylo sort of moves into his bed.

And his life.

And his heart.

Which. Great stuff, but also terrifying. You know?

He finds he likes the touches. Most of the times. Sometimes he’s not in the mood, but Kylo doesn’t object if the returned touches aren’t too involved. Hux flows with the tide of his memories, and… well. It gets easier. 

The first time he touches Kylo’s cock through his pants, he cries. He cries, and Kylo holds him, and Hux wonders why he’s so fucking broken. He should be okay, but he’s really not, and it’s just a penis, and it’s not even erect.

But it’s not his penis he’s remembering, and he doesn’t…

Head under his chin, and he tells him everything. He can’t live without him knowing any more, and he relays every last detail and every last worry and by the time he’s done he can’t feel anything but raw-numb, and the hands around his shoulders.

“Is he dead?”  


Hux nods.

“Good. Or I’d kill him for you.”  


Amazingly, Kylo isn’t disgusted with him. _For_ him, but not with him. He shudders himself to sleep, and… maybe there’s hope after all.

***

Hux wakes, one morning, to see a blur of dark hair octopusing its way across his stomach. It tickles, and so do the kisses, and he touches Kylo’s tresses, tugging until he looks up with a smile.

“Hey,” Kylo says.  


“Hey,” Hux says, and gently rocks his hips.  


He does sometimes get morning wood, and today is one of those days. The warm memories of lips on his belly are loud, and he meets Kylo’s eyes.

A question, an answer.

A kiss, just to the shaft. The stimulation is overpoweringly much, the knowledge that it’s - he’s - he holds Kylo’s head from going any closer, but the Knight lets his lips trail around everywhere but his cock. Eventually, he realises it’s not… you know. Bad. He nods, and lets go of his hair, and grabs his own.

For someone who doesn’t know what to do, he’s doing a good job. 

Kisses. Licks. Laps. Nuzzles. It’s all one spreading warmth, and Hux is surprised when he comes. He’s done it - of course - just never with someone since… 

Kylo keeps on kissing and licking, the touches around his stomach still soothing and good. The climax isn’t the end of it, and he’s weirdly touched with how happy Kylo is to keep on kissing him, even with the worst of it over. It’s not the only goal here, and once the urgency of need is over, he can relax into the bodily sensations of being cared for, and touched.

Hux pulls him up for kisses to his lips, and he feels Kylo’s arm moving to stroke himself off. There’s no expectation for him to join in, but he likes the splatter when the Knight comes on him, anyway. It feels cleansing, and that’s stupid, but true.

Hux quietly asks if they can shower, soon, and Kylo agrees.

***

In the shower - not scalding - Hux kisses the edge of Kylo’s jaw. “Were you… upset I didn’t touch you back?”

“You’re plenty sexy as it is,” Kylo insists. “Not that I’d object.”  


Here, without the pressure of a possible climax, Hux lets his hand hold Kylo’s shaft. He cleans it gently, to the very tiny moans of delight. It’s safe to touch it, and he glides his fingers over the length, and then explores his balls.

Kylo’s breathing quickens, and Hux grins in pleasure. He cheekily fake-wanks him a few times, then peers at him. “Still good?”

“Still good.”  


The aftershocks of his own orgasm are still making his body feel tingly warm, and he holds both their spent cocks together, stroking them clean in both his hands. The feeling is still pleasant, and it’s less threatening now he knows it won’t get hard again for a little while. He can play without… without… you know.

“You’re too patient with me,” Hux whispers.  


“Maybe I need patience, too,” Kylo suggests, and crooks his head up for a kiss. “Ever think it might be hard for me, too?”  


Hux hadn’t. He looks at the man - his - his _boyfriend_  - his **lover** \- and knows it’s safe. He’s safe, with him. Kylo wouldn’t force him into something he was uncomfortable with, even if the discomfort wasn’t his fault. 

There’s a way out. There’s - this is how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? Something they both want. Never something one wants and the other doesn’t. Or - well - not _dislikes_. He’s pretty sure he could ask Kylo to stop even at the last minute and he would. 

But it felt great. It did. The soft, wet kisses and touches. The waves of affection and the safety. The knowledge that Kylo only wanted what he wanted, too. That he’d never be coerced, and that _no_ could really be _no_ , even without needing to say the word. 

It had felt comforting. Maybe not the heady romance-seduction it was ‘supposed’ to be, but a reaffirming, reassuring, bond-deepening exercise in chasing the memories off his skin.

“Could I… try sucking you next time?” he asks, shyly.  


“I’d like that a lot,” Kylo admits. “But you don’t need to swallow, or even let me come in your mouth.”  


“Yeah, I’m not sure how I’d feel about that,” he admits.

“I love you, you know?”   


He hadn’t said it before. Not because he needed sex to say it, Hux realises, but because he’d been terrified of that intimacy, even after he’d given him everything else. 

He sees the fear in Kylo’s eyes at the admission, and he grabs his face and kisses him passionately back. He might have been afraid, but so was Kylo. It’s not easy for either of them, and when the kiss breaks, he pulls his forehead against his own. 

“I do know,” he answers. “And I love you too.”  


It’s absolutely devastatingly simple, at the bottom of it all. They climb out of the shower, and dress by degrees. He sees Kylo’s lips bounce up and down, unsure of how to express how he feels, and he reaches out a hand to hold, to squeeze.

“We’re going to be okay,” Hux promises. “We have each other.”  


Kylo, the broken boy who hadn’t felt loved in years. Hux, the broken boy who hadn’t wanted a finger to touch him again.

Somehow, it works.


	2. Chapter 2

Hux is pleased by his increased libido. Sure, maybe it isn’t as frequent as the mass media would like him to believe is normal: he doesn’t want sex every morning, and every night, and every lunchtime inbetween. Some weeks he doesn’t want it at all, and some days he thinks he does (and it turns out he can’t climax), or he thinks he doesn’t (and cuddling turns into more). Then there’s Kylo’s libido, which also works on its own schedule and orbits his own. 

Kylo never pushes him beyond what he’s happy with. If all he wants is kisses, that’s all he gets. If he falls asleep while they’re stroking and holding, he falls asleep. With every passing month, he realises This Is Okay.

He’s not ‘fixed’, but then – he isn’t wholly sure he counted as ‘broken’ anyway. 

One of Hux’s favourite activities involves whoever feels like it telling the other person to lie still, with their hands above their head. They don’t use binders, just words. Hux isn’t sure he’d ever feel secure being tied down, but he can definitely go with ‘hold still as long as you are able’ whilst Kylo kisses and strokes him all over. He’s okay with it, because when he’s not able to keep still any longer he can jump up and cuddle-wrestle, or pull Kylo’s hair, or demand he suck him off. 

Kylo has a very, very nice mouth. Kylo also loves to go down on him, and to swallow when he climaxes in his mouth. Hux usually spits, or pulls off, and then they change the sheets. 

Hux is very happy with their love-life, all the same. He knows kisses don’t mean he’s promising anything, and he knows if something sets off a bad memory that Kylo will cuddle him until he wants to talk about it. 

Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes it’s a word, or a song, or a dish. Sometimes he doesn’t know why he remembers, he just does. 

Kylo has his demons, too, Hux learns. He knows that sometimes those demons come in dreams, and Kylo will wake not wanting to be touched skin-to-skin. He likes a blanket around his shoulders and rubbing through it until he calms down. He knows that Kylo panics in case he pushes Hux too far, and Hux reassures him (willingly) that he isn’t.

The nightmares come less frequently. Sometimes Hux is just woken by a hand tugging his wrist, not a violent thrash and moan. He knows to pull Kylo into his shoulder and kiss his hair, and they drift back to sleep together.

It isn’t even all about that, the things they do in bed. It’s not even about having someone who will wash your hair or rub out the tension in your shoulders. It’s having someone to sit in companionable silence with, each reading or working, and breaking the silence to ask a question, voice a thought, or share a joke. 

It’s being able to comm him in the middle of the day if he’s not sure of a decision, or just because he wants to see how he is. It’s knowing if he’s had A Day, there’s likely a full, warm bathtub waiting for him. It’s having his favourite foods made for him more often, just to make sure he’s eating regularly. It’s having someone who he knows will have his back, no matter what. Someone who would bend the stars out of their spins for him. 

Kylo is his _partner_ , as much as his lover. His best friend, his confidant, and his supportive other half. It isn’t so much that he was ‘incomplete’ without him, it’s just that with him, his life is so much better. He gives, and he gets. He is so very, very happy he took the chance, and Kylo has done nothing but reward his risks and his investment a thousandfold over.

***

Hux thinks maybe it’s time. He’s been thinking about this for a while, now. He’s absolutely fine (almost every time) they have oral sex, and even more comfortable when it’s manual. He can touch Kylo’s wrist in a certain way if he needs to slow down, or to take a break, and Kylo will go back to kissing him, or stroking at his chest and thighs. 

He’s even fucked Kylo a few times, which had been weird. Although it was just another part to slide into, like his mouth, he’d felt odd about it. Kylo had pointed out he was happy never doing it, but Hux had seen a flicker of hunger in his eyes all the same.

You didn’t get anywhere if you didn’t try. 

He’d started by slipping a finger back when sucking on Kylo’s cock, and stroking over the prostate externally. That had gone so well each time that Hux had been reassured enough to gently finger him. Kylo’s moan had spooked him one time, but the next time he’d managed to bring him to climax with his fingers still inside. 

Fucking him had been tight, and it had felt like a huge responsibility. That place was private, was sacred. He’d been inside him, and Kylo had begged him to go faster. 

Hux hadn’t managed to keep inside of him, but they both got to climax, and so he counted it as a success.

…Kylo has never done more than stroke behind Hux’s balls, because he feels his thighs tighten protectively if there’s ever a hint of going further back. Even if Kylo said it was wonderful, he’s still… he _knows_ it can be wonderful. It’s just too tied up with things that _weren’t_ for him to relax.

“We don’t ever have to,” Kylo had said. “I’m more than happy with everything we do get up to.”

The climaxes are still real, even if they’re spit out, or wiped into sheets. But part of Hux wants to… wants to wipe his slate clean. Wants to know that his body and his pleasure belong to _him_ , and that his decisions are based on what he wants, not what someone did _to_ him. He wants to be able to enjoy it, and to know he’s Won.

“I want to,” Hux whispers, as they bask in the cooling of their session, his cock pulling out of Kylo’s body. “I want to feel how you feel.”

“Is that… the only reason?”

“No,” he admits. “I want you to be the last person who was inside of me. I want… my memory to be of something good.”

Kylo nods. “It might not be satisfying or good, the first times, you do know?”

He does. He knows he’s asking Kylo to wash off a violation. He knows he’s asking for something that has the potential to hurt them both. He knows he’s asking something selfish, in a way: Kylo doesn’t like to remind Hux of things That Man did, but if it’s the only way to heal…

“I won’t be upset with you,” Hux promises. “But if you would find it too uncomfortable…”

“As… long as I know you’ll stop me if I go too far, and that you’re doing it for _you_ , not for me…”

He is. He is doing it for him. Maybe down the line that means he’ll be able to do it for them _both_ , but these first times are not about sex, not like that. He wishes he didn’t have these bad memories written into the flinch of his skin, but this is how to get them out.

“Only if you feel you can.”

***

The first time Kylo touches behind his balls, he’s not aroused at all. Hux freaks out, but Kylo just strokes behind them, softly, sliding his finger between his cheeks and going no further. Hux cries silently into the pillow, and shakes his head to stop. 

They cuddle for some time after. He doesn’t have good dreams.

The next time, they’re intimate and Kylo asks if he can just touch without them going any further. Hux agrees, and tries to focus on the tongue in his mouth as Kylo just incorporates a little more of his body into the play, and he’s relieved every time his hand moves from his ass. He’s beginning to worry that he’ll never enjoy it, but Kylo doesn’t complain.

“I want to try to give you one finger, but you don’t have to stay hard,” Kylo asks. “Just so you know it won’t hurt. It’s okay if you get distressed, I think, if you’re okay with it.”

There’s no way he’s _not_ going to be distressed, but he agrees. Kylo – patient as ever – makes his little finger slip in and out. It stings a bit because Hux can’t relax, but it doesn’t rip him, or make him bleed. It stops, and Hux is glad.

***

Kylo sits him down, and they talk about what part of it worries him. ‘All’ isn’t really the answer, but Hux admits he didn’t climax when It happened, and he’s worried he can’t ever climax from that position. 

“You don’t need to,” Kylo reminds him.

“But I _want_ to.”

Some deliberation later, and Kylo suggests a very small douche and a very slender toy. Hux reluctantly agrees, and agrees he’ll use it on himself.

It turns out that’s easier said than done. Even with Kylo kissing and stroking him, his hands shake when he attempts to clean himself, and he can’t bring himself to push the toy inside. He cries into Kylo’s shoulder, frustrated, but he won’t accept they need to give in.

“I can’t. I can’t let him win, Kylo.”

“Tell me what you need me to do?” his lover asks. “Do you want… do you want me to do it even if you’re crying, but stop if you ask me to?”

Hux isn’t sure. He buries his head in his hands, and wishes he could just flip a switch and make it all go away.

***

The revelation comes when Hux is balls-deep inside of Kylo, watching the bliss on his face. Frustration has made Hux’s grinding more vigorous than usual, and he looks so _pleased_.

“…put your fingers in me,” Hux insists. “Show me how it feels for you.”

Shocked, Kylo nods. He slicks his first finger, and Hux feels his arousal dip. But he wants this. He wants this, for both of them, and he asks Kylo to tell him how it feels.

“So good. Like you’re deep in me, like we’re so close. You stroke inside me, and I feel like I’m yours,” his lover says.

Those words are a balm, and Hux slams his ass back onto Kylo’s finger, surprised by the sudden tug at his rim feeling pleasant. He draws a circle, fucking himself on Kylo’s hand and widening his lover’s own hole, and when the second finger goes in, he only panics slightly. There’s a weird choke from Kylo, and his lover comes all over them both, which spurs Hux’s orgasm to follow close behind.

Loose-limbed and pleased, he grabs Kylo’s hand and stops him from pulling out.

“Please,” he says. “Just touch me gently. Let me get used to it.”

It feels okay, and he feels safe, and he only cries a little, but that’s because he feels so safe and loved. Kylo kisses his tears and tells him he’s beautiful, and Hux cries even harder.

***

On the third attempt, Hux ends up frustrated with his lack of progression and climbs up onto Kylo’s lap. Three fingers inside, but he’s mostly unaroused. Kylo struggles to maintain an erection for long if Hux isn’t into it, but he _needs_ to if this is going to work. 

Hux grabs both their cocks in one hand, and starts to stroke them, ignoring the fingers up his rump. He looks Kylo in the eyes, and tells him how much he loves him, how much he wants Kylo to be the first time he comes on a cock. How he wants Kylo to be the only one allowed inside him, how he wants to give him everything – everything – and show him they’re safe together.

“I don’t _need_ it,” Kylo tells him, “…but I’m happy for everything you will give me. You give me so much love, Hux. So much.”

A faint twitch, and Hux beats them harder. “You’re a better man than anyone alive knows, Kylo.”

“Only for you.”

He laughs, because maybe that’s true, but it works both ways. The affection causes a slight stirring in his cock, and he looks hopefully at Kylo. “You think I can have your big cock, love?”

“You think you can take it?” Kylo teases, his hands all over his face, his neck, his shoulders.

“I think I can. I want it. I want _you_. I want there to be nothing left between us.” No monster, no secrets, no shame. Kylo’s been more than patient, and Hux is so very, very fortunate. 

Kylo’s cock twitches, the emotion more than the motion switching it to ‘on’. Hux grins, and kisses his lover’s face all over. He lets go when his hands are pushed, and grabs hair instead.

With care, he’s picked up. Moved into place, and gently pushed down. There’s that stretching feeling of his body moving to allow the penetration, and Hux’s mind blanks for a moment, until he feels the stroking touches to his cheek again. He didn’t have _that_ last time, and that’s just proof that this is different. 

Kylo is different. Kylo loves him. He’s safe. He _asked_ for this.

He gently moves on his cock, lifting and rocking, and feels a hand touch his.

Just the backs of fingertips. Eye-contact made, watching his response.

“Can I stroke you?”

Always so fucking kind. Hux laughs, a little brokenly, and nods. “Yes. Please.”

The hand knows him, and keeps the touches right on the edge, slowly pulling him to full arousal. Hux stops moving, and pushes his face into his lover’s neck. “Will you come inside of me?”

“I’d love to,” Kylo whispers. “Thank you. For trusting me. For loving me.”

Hux slams his eyes shut and starts to move. His bouncing is arrhythmic to begin with, and it stings a bit sometimes, but then he manages to find his prostate quite by accident, and howls in shock. Kylo keeps stroking his dick, not thrusting into him, letting Hux set the pace. 

_Love. He loves me. He loves me. Kylo loves me_.

He knows it’s true, and though the memory is there, it’s not as strong. He slams his mouth over Kylo’s, and the sudden, fierce kiss makes him forget the past for a while. All he knows is hands, cock, lips, teeth, tongue. The stretch and the pressure, the tight fist and the love. His eyes are wet, but happy, and when Kylo’s climax hits, he’s shocked. 

It isn’t gross. It isn’t demeaning. It isn’t anything but shared pleasure, and Hux shoves Kylo down onto his back and climbs up to slide his cock into his mouth. 

“Swallow,” he insists, “…so we’re both inside each other.”

The working of his tongue and lips take Hux over the edge quickly, as does the sticky feeling of come sliding down his thighs. He clenches his butthole, and feels the mess, and it’s okay. 

Kylo grabs his buttocks as he shoves Hux’s cock all the way inside, and that’s enough to get him off, and hard. 

Oh so very hard. Hux nearly drops onto the bed when they’re done, curling over his Knight’s chest and feeling for the echoes of pain that are no longer quite so loud.

Yes, it just buzzes, for the moment. Pleasure, not pain.

He’s not sure how often he’ll want to do that, but now he knows he can. Now it’s okay. They. _Won_.


End file.
